The Mental Load of Motherhood: What it is and how to lighten it
- annandalepsych
- Sep 24
- 5 min read
By Christine Annandale
Motherhood is often described as one of the most rewarding journeys in life, but it can also be one of the most exhausting. Beyond the visible responsibilities of raising children - changing nappies, packing lunch boxes, or driving to school - there exists another layer of responsibility that weighs heavily on mothers: the mental load.
This invisible weight is something many mothers carry every day, often without recognition. It affects emotional wellbeing, relationships, and even physical health. In this article, we’ll unpack what the mental load really means, why it tends to fall unevenly on mothers, and what practical steps can be taken to ease it.
What is the mental load?
The mental load of motherhood refers to the constant planning, anticipating, organising, and remembering that keeps a family functioning. Unlike physical chores that can be seen—like washing dishes or folding laundry—the mental load is largely invisible.
It includes things like:
Planning meals and keeping track of groceries.
Scheduling appointments for doctors, dentists, vaccinations, and playdates.
Thinking about children’s development and emotional wellbeing.
Remembering birthdays, school events, and dress-up days.
Anticipating needs, like noticing when nappies are almost finished, or when a child needs a bigger shoe size.
Delegating tasks and following up (because asking for help isn’t always enough—you still oversee it).
Managing the family’s emotional climate, often ensuring that everyone else is emotionally okay, even when you’re not.
What makes the mental load so heavy is that it never really stops. It runs quietly in the background of a mother’s mind, 24/7.
Why is the mental load usually unequally shared?
Even in households where partners want to help, the mental load often falls disproportionately on mothers. Before children, responsibilities may have felt more balanced. But after maternity leave, when mothers naturally take on more household duties, the imbalance begins. Fathers often work longer hours during this stage, driven by career or a provider instinct, while mothers absorb the bulk of home and childcare responsibilities.
When mothers return to work, the load doesn’t shift back—it simply doubles. Suddenly, they’re juggling professional responsibilities and the invisible mental workload of family life.
A big part of the problem is that many women have never learned the skill of asking for help effectively. Society has long reinforced the idea that “good mothers do it all.” As a result, many mothers feel guilty delegating tasks, or they may believe it’s easier to just do everything themselves.
Meanwhile, partners may think they are being supportive when they say: “Just tell me what to do.” But this still places the responsibility of planning and delegating on the mother. And that is precisely where the mental load lives.
The impact of carrying the mental load
Carrying the mental load isn’t just tiring—it can affect a mother’s entire wellbeing.
Constant stress response: The endless to-do list can trigger the body’s fight-flight-freeze-fawn response, leaving mothers feeling on edge all the time.
Overstimulation: Constant interruptions, big emotions from children, and no mental downtime add up.
Perfectionism: Mothers who want everything done “the right way” often struggle to delegate, which makes the mental load heavier.
Emotional toll: When the work is invisible, it often feels unappreciated. Over time, this can lead to resentment toward partners or even children.
Burnout and identity loss: Always carrying the mental load means less energy for self-care, friendships, hobbies, or personal growth.
On the outside, it may look as if nothing has changed—meals are served, the house runs smoothly—but inside, a mother may feel like her brain is holding 10,000 tabs open.
The invisible work of motherhood
One of the most frustrating parts of the mental load is that it’s invisible. Others might not see the thought process behind planning a week’s worth of meals, or the emotional labour involved in soothing a child while also staying patient with a partner.
This invisibility makes it harder to validate. A mother may look around and think, “I haven’t actually done that much today,” while her brain has been working overtime all day just to keep everything afloat.
This gap between what’s visible and what’s actually happening creates a cycle of exhaustion and guilt.
Breaking the cycle: Practical ways to share the mental load
The good news is that the mental load can be shared more equally. It takes awareness, communication, and sometimes a complete mindset shift. Here are some practical strategies:
1. Make the Invisible Visible
Have calm conversations about the mental load, preferably outside of stressful moments. Tools like Eve Rodsky’s book Fair Play suggest writing down all household tasks—visible and invisible—and dividing them fairly. A shared spreadsheet or family calendar can help partners see the bigger picture.
2. Use Visual Systems in the Home
Put up a family calendar in a central place (like the kitchen) where everyone can see upcoming appointments, school events, and social commitments. Use whiteboards or charts to display responsibilities so they don’t live only in one person’s head.
3. Focus on One Thing at a Time
Multitasking often makes the mental load heavier. When possible, give yourself permission to do one task at a time and let the rest wait.
4. Treat Parenting as a Skillset
Parenting requires learning, practice, and patience—just like any job. Tasks that feel overwhelming in the beginning (like organising school routines) become easier as skills develop. Remind yourself it’s okay to not get everything right at once.
5. Learn to Say No
You don’t need to say yes to every birthday party, social invitation, or school request. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for your family is to protect your own capacity.
6. Release Responsibility for Other People’s Emotions
Many mothers overextend themselves out of fear of disappointing others. But saying “no” or asking to reschedule is not unkind—it’s honest. Being “kind” is more sustainable than just being “nice.”
Why lightening the mental load matters
Reducing the mental load isn’t just about personal relief—it’s about creating a healthier family dynamic. When the load is shared fairly:
Mothers feel more supported and less resentful.
Partners become more engaged and aware of family needs.
Children grow up seeing teamwork, balance, and shared responsibility.
Ultimately, lightening the mental load creates space for joy, rest, and connection—the very things that make family life meaningful.
Final thoughts
The mental load of motherhood is real, heavy, and often invisible. It’s not just about the tasks themselves, but the constant thinking, planning, and emotional work that goes unseen. Left unaddressed, it can lead to stress, resentment, and burnout.
But with open conversations, practical systems, and a willingness to let go of perfection, mothers don’t have to carry the burden alone. Sharing the mental load isn’t just good for mothers—it’s essential for the wellbeing of the whole family.
If this article resonated with you and you’d like to explore this topic further, I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to reach out below.